Written by PETA
According to hilarious spoof news source The Onion, the first signs of spring are flowers blooming, longer days returning, and animal shelters euthanizing the last of the "Christmas puppies."
In a recent article, The Onion "interviews" puppy mill patrons who grew tired of caring for their dogs once they outgrew their puppy cuteness: "'Two years ago we bought Lisa a puppy for Christmas,' says Jason Hutton of San Diego, who quietly abandoned his daughter's Lhasa apso by the side of a road when he grew weary of family arguments over whose turn it was to feed it. 'And there came a point where it just wasn't a puppy anymore, you know?'"
For kids who discover a puppy under the tree alongside Xbox games and Barbie dolls, the novelty often wears off faster than you can say "jingle bells," and the dog is discarded like last year's ZhuZhu pet. The Onion's tongue is firmly planted in its cheek, of course, but it's as correct about this scenario as pet stores are about estimating their holiday profits while they play an endless loop of Burl Ives classics.
Written by Michelle Sherrow
Our lunch with Internet Soup has as many neat animals as Lunch With Soupy Sales, but nobody gets a pie in the face. We think he would still enjoy it anyway.
The Onion—in a 2004 article that was recently re-posted on the front page of the gag mag's website—says scientists torture mice just for laughs. This "report" is so cleverly written that when I sent it to Kathy Guillermo, PETA's vice president of laboratory investigations, she had "palpitations," as she put it.
Sorry, Kathy, didn't mean to trick you into thinking that vivisectors had finally come clean and admitted that mice aren't good stand-ins for humans. But wouldn't it be great if they really were as refreshingly honest as this "researcher"?
"For years, I've used lab mice to research cell breakdown in living tissue—and I've been lucky enough to make some pretty important medical advancements along the way," said researcher Ellen Gresham of the Harvard Institute for Advanced Studies. "But even if there were no scientific benefit to the work I do, I'd still experiment on mice, just to watch them suffer." "The truth is, mice are particularly ill-suited for our tissue study," Gresham added. "We could construct a computer model that would yield more accurate results, but we don't care."
"For years, I've used lab mice to research cell breakdown in living tissue—and I've been lucky enough to make some pretty important medical advancements along the way," said researcher Ellen Gresham of the Harvard Institute for Advanced Studies. "But even if there were no scientific benefit to the work I do, I'd still experiment on mice, just to watch them suffer."
"The truth is, mice are particularly ill-suited for our tissue study," Gresham added. "We could construct a computer model that would yield more accurate results, but we don't care."
While Ellen Gresham is a figment of The Onion's imagination, the fact that modern, high-tech alternatives to experiments on animals are faster, cheaper, and more accurate is very real. In fact, one more such test, EpiDerm, was just approved last week by the international Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development. While we're on the subject, why not drop a line to your congressional representative reminding him or her of that?
Written by Alisa Mullins
Looks like somebody over at The Onion has been surfing the PETA Files. Catch the satirical newspaper's spot-on skewering of elephant acts, with descriptions of a "hooked rod," "cramped, feces-covered enclosure," and "constant beatings." They even picked up on the fact that the only male elephants used in circuses are youngsters, because once they reach adolescence, they become too aggressive to be controlled—despite the constant threat of being whacked with a bullhook (or, perhaps, because of it).
As usual, The Onion's parody so closely parallels reality that it can bring tears of laughter and sorrow. Take this gem:
"Look, they're dancing," said 5-year-old Jonah Meeks, mistaking the elephants' constant swaying for something that wasn't a maladaptive behavior caused by serious psychological trauma. "I can dance like an elephant, too. Look at me!"
The folks at The Onion obviously do their research, but is it possible that they are also psychic? Their circus send-up was published just days before peta2 launched its brand new "Elephants Never Forget" campaign today. Coincidence?
While billboard companies in Louisville may want to keep Kentucky Derby fans in the dark about the racing industry's appalling abuses, which lead to breakdown and death, The Onion makes them front-page news.
In making their predictions for the upcoming Kentucky Derby, The Onion's "Steam Room" commentators reveal just how shockingly* far "horse beaters" (their words) will go in forcing their beleaguered, drugged thoroughbreds to race (or hobble) toward the finish line, including whippings and more. As one of the sportscasters notes, "As far as I know, there are no rules in horse racing. You just procure a horse and get [him or her] across the finish line by any means necessary." Folks, you won't want to miss this video:
The last time "America's Finest News Source" shed light on "expendable athletes," some readers didn't make the connection to the horse-racing industry—but this time, there can be no denying it. Thanks, Onion!
Written by Karin Bennett
*and satirically
"To see all those poor souls forced to live in confined living quarters, with little to no sunlight, and no hope of freedom, it's just so inhumane," San Diego housewife Carol Wurster said. "Those otters deserve better."
If you have a general question for PETA and would like a response, please e-mail Info@peta.org. If you need to report cruelty to an animal, please click here. If you are reporting an animal in imminent danger and know where to find the animal and if the abuse is taking place right now, please call your local police department. If the police are unresponsive, please call PETA immediately at 757-622-7382 and press 2.
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