In a recent conference call with investors, KFC outlined strategies for improving flagging U.S. sales, including projecting a "younger image." Since we're going to be matching these guys stride for stride until they agree to make some major changes in the way they treat chickens, that means we need to be hitting the same markets with our message that KFC tortures animals. The latest salvo in this operation is our series of edgy horror-movie-style anti-KFC spots, which will be debuting in Boston this week for the BU, Tufts, and Harvard audiences as a counter to the college-targeted advertising that KFC's been running.

This one's my favorite from the series. If you haven't seen it yet, you should check out the whole site. It's kind of awesome.

Jack Black is amazing. First, because his band rocks so damn hard that he had to go into hell to find his rhythm section; and second, because he had the good sense and foresight to put Colonel Sanders there, where he belongs. Check it out:

MSNBC just reported on a study which showed that the beneficial effects of tea are cancelled out when you put milk in it. According to MSN:

Since I quit smoking about three years ago, I've been drinking, like, five cups of tea a day to fill the void, but I've totally been cheating death by using soymilk instead of cow's milk. Which, you know, hooray for getting one over on Death, but the underlying point here is that cow's milk is designed for baby cows, not for one's Earl Grey or English Breakfast.

While I'm on the subject—ever since I moved to the U.S., I've noticed that a lot of people here don't always bring their water to a full boil before pouring it on their tea. WTF is that all about? For a proper cup of tea, you need to use boiling water to activate the tea leaves, and then let it steep for at least a minute. Then, if you don't want to drop dead from a heart attack right there on the spot, skip the cow's milk and have some soymilk with that bad boy. At any rate, that's how I do it.

Stay tuned for more scintillating tea tips next week. I have a lot to say on this subject.

Somebody liberated the stereo from my car last week, which meant spending half my Saturday trying to get through to someone at my insurance company. To help forestall any suicidal impulses created by the smooth jazz that State Farm has selected for its hold music, I spent some time coming up with “Onion” style headlines for fake articles I want to write. Let me know which one you like best and I’ll write an article to accompany it and post it tomorrow: KFC Execs Pleased With New Animal Welfare CommitteeOld one just too “ornery and contrarian” claims CEO. Ugly People in Fur Coats Still Ugly, New Report FindsDraping yourself in a dead animal does not make you prettier, according to a recent study by the Department of Urban Haberdashery (DUH). Area Jerk Belittles Vegetarian“I like animals, too … to eat!” local meathead Alan Brown told a vegetarian acquaintance Friday. Brown admits that he did not “think of the joke [himself].”That’s all I’ve been able to come up with so far: If you can think of some of your own, let me know, and I’ll post the best ones throughout the week.